Hi… I’m Jackie.

Here are my 5 minutes…  All about me.

I am Jackie and I first read this at Kirsten’s place, Kir Corner. Of course she got the idea from Jana’s Thinking Place for the SOC (stream of consciousness) prompt. So, this was last week’s prompt but I loved it so much that I asked Kir if I could borrow the idea and she readily agreed! So here it is.

I am a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, an aunt, a grand daughter. But that isn’t what defines me.

I went to college late in life and loved it. If I could I’d continue to go if only just to listen and learn… I may be one of the odd ones that loves listening to the lectures. History… English… Psychology… Sociology… all of them were wonderful.

I have a great career and it’s not what I went to school for. I just got lucky, but luck doesn’t make everyone happy. I have bigger dreams of a better, more fulfilling career.

I love reading. I love writing. And most of all I love books. I could spend hours and hours in a library or book store just taking them all in.. the look, the feel, and smell of all the old books lining the shelves. I read for fun…. pure pleasure and rarely for learning. Odd since I love learning.

I’ve been told that I’m pessimistic. I refuse to believe that though… I consider myself more of a realist because I feel that there is no point in getting my hopes set on something that I know will never happen. I hate disappointment and have had more than my fair share of disappointment in my life. I know what’s possible and what isn’t.

I love my kids more than anything and would do anything that I can to help them succeed. They are everything to me.

I’m not a leader… I’m better as a follower or a 2nd in command type. I don’t like to fail and let people down.

I’m dream big and live small.

I have ups and downs just like everyone else.

My life is far from perfect but it’s my life… I am where I am because of choices that I have made…. many of those choices I would never change. Others.. well, I ponder those often.

I believe that the past should stay in the past and we learn from the decisions that we make.

I believe that we are in charge of our own destiny.

I’ve learned as time goes by there is so much that I don’t know. Guess I must of forgot stuff… when I was younger I thought that I knew it all.

I like sweets. Cupcakes, cookies, pie, and everything in between. More than that I love to bake those tasty treats.

I love fashion… clothes… shoes… all of it. But for some reason I lack a sense of style. Good thing I have teens to help me out.

I’m frugal… sometimes.

I love to travel even though I don’t get to do it often.

I love holidays… especially Halloween.

This is me.

This is who I am in 5 minutes.

Contemplating Change

Change is inevitable in our lives, right? Sometimes it’s for the good and other times not so good. Sometimes we initiate the change and other times it just happens. Regardless, change is inevitable.

I’m at a point in my life where I need a change in my career. I’m unhappy where I work currently and I imagine that I’m not the only one to say such a thing.

But what do I do to change it? I can just flat out quit. I can continue my search for a new job. I can try to get things to change where I’m at.

Change… you see that word popped up again. And while I would love to think that I can get things to change at work I’d be mistaken and before you say anything… yes, I’ve tried to no avail. As a matter of fact a lot of people have.

So that leaves me with the other two options. I would love to be a stay at home mom but right now that doesn’t seem to be in the cards and when it is it will be to late since the kids will probably be in college. And we’ve become accustomed to a certain lifestyle that requires that I bring in some money.

As you can see I’m left with a dilemma to deal with and with the way the economy and job market are I have to be very careful and precise about the choices I make.

I have a degree. I have skills. And honestly could probably learn almost anything required for a new job (Ok… not in the medical profession though). But I feel stuck and don’t know where to start. More importantly I don’t know how to start.

Change. It needs to happen and it needs to happen soon because I don’t know how much more I can deal with. Work is stressful and things can tend to be confusing. The confusion is hard to eliminate when you have no control over anything.

For a long time I’ve simply dealt with it and made the best of the situation but as things change more and more I’ve come to realize that I’m not in the right place.

So dear friends… I am turning to you for some awesome advice. What are your thoughts?

ps…. this was stream of consciousness style…

Sadness and Guilt

I have this huge list of topics that I’ve been pondering and wanting to write about and this is not one of them. This came to me this morning as I rushed around at the ungodly hour of 7am with my kids so this is more along the lines of a stream of consciousness type post…. bear with me!

I’m giving myself 7 minutes. Yea, it’s an odd number but 5 didn’t seem long enough and 10 I think is to long.

Okay so the timer is set!

Today is the first day that the husband is gone out of town.. out state really for work. And now I am home with the kids alone. I know.. I know … many of you do it this on a daily basis and wonder why in the hell I’m complaining. Well this is why.

The older kids go to school all day and enjoy endure it and I go to work all day to do the exact same thing. Now that leave the youngest who you all know is just a baby, almost 15 months to be exact. And he goes to the sitters house daily. I hate it.

Now that dad is gone he has to go to the sitters even earlier so he is there almost 10 hours a day. I hate it more now.

What I hate the most…. do you see a trend here? I’m using the word hate a lot, huh? I don’t like that I have to leave him with someone else all day long. I don’t like that when I drop him off he runs to her to be picked up. I don’t like that he doesn’t seem affected by my leaving. I don’t like that when I pick him up sometimes he still goes to her.

I love my sitter. She’s great with my kids and super helpful and even more flexible.

I just wish that it was me with him all day. I wish that it was me who could teach him all the things that I was able to teach his sisters. I wish it were me that he ran to.

So I feel mom guilt that I’m not there for him and it makes me sad that I can’t be there.

What happens when he’s older? Who is going to potty train him, teach him his letters, numbers, and how to write, and all that fun preschool stuff?

Am I missing out on things? I think I am.

And because of this I am sad. I felt terrible this morning when I had to drop him off and I look forward to the time I leave work and can see him again.

Whew… done. The time went off!