I miss you

I miss you…

I didn’t realize just how much I really missed you until I was in the store shopping for Easter gifts for the kids and a lady walked by me. She reminded me of you in so many ways, but the first thing that got me was her perfume.

The perfume she was wearing is one that you wear or wore at one time. It lingered around every corner and aisle that I walked. As soon as I got away from it she was just around the next corner and it the familiar scent was back pulling at me… my heart… and my memories of what was.

She was probably close to your age. She too was shopping for the upcoming holiday…. maybe for her grandkids.

She was shorter than you but a similar share and she styled her hair like you did when it was shorter. She had her face fully made up… just like you. Never leaving the house without makeup.

There was so many things about her that reminded me of you. So many memories came back… it was good to remember and at the same time it was painful because you’re not part of our lives like that.

I miss you. More than you will probably ever know.

For a little while I had you back there with me and it was like we were shopping together again for the kids like we did once so many years ago. Funny thing… it was for Easter too, right after Lauren was born. 11 years ago.

It was an emotional shopping trip and I did what I could to hold my emotions in check and move on with what I was there to do. I was sort of glad when the lady left.

She left, but the memories are still there.

I wish you’d come back.

I wish you were a regular part of my life…. part of my kids lives.

Do you miss me?

Do you miss your grandkids?

I miss you.

I’m linking up with Shell from Things I Can’t Say this week for Pour Your Heart Out. My intention was to start sharing some of the pictures and all that from our week in Florida & time at the Disney Parks but I just couldn’t come up with anything. Not with this pulling at my heart. It’s hard when your mom isn’t part of your life… it’s hard when you know that she is out there living her life. It’s even harder when you have no idea why you’re not part of her life anymore… whether you did or said something wrong. No matter how old you get your mom is important… mine is important. I just don’t know how to mend things… especially when I don’t know what’s broken.


PYHO:That Girl….

There’s always one in school, the office, anywhere really… sometimes there are two, but that’s a horrible situation.

Some call them mean girls.

Some call them other things that I will not dare repeat.

Here is what I know for sure… there is one that is in my daughter’s school (it’s a big school so there has to be more but this one is my daughter’s nemesis). That girl seemingly goes out of her way to get under my daughter’s skin.

That girl does things on purpose to upset her.

That girl has made it almost impossible for my daughter to talk to much less hang out with one of her oldest and best friends. Oh… who now happens to be That girls boyfriend.

That girl spent the better part of the last school year stalking my daughter’s boyfriend, spreading rumors, and doing her damnedest to break them up.

That girl went so far as to have her mom call my daughter! Now, if you ask me that takes a hell of a lot of nerve!

That girl gets on my daughter’s last never, but she is the better person and says nothing. She lets it all go knowing that That girl is being petty and childish.

That girl needs a lesson taught to her.

But karma has a way of finding those who are most deserving of her wrath and one day That girl will learn how terrible she has been and tables will be turned.

That girl will learn that lying and spreading rumors is not the way to get ahead in life or to get the things that you want.

That girl is lucky that I am not in high school or else she’d get an ear full from me.

In the meantime I will do everything that I can to support my daughter and in my head say all the things that should be said to That girl

What about you…. do you know someone like that? How did you deal with her?

Strep & Squirrels

So far this June has sucked. Big time.

I honestly can’t remember when so many things have gone wrong in such a short period of time. I think that maybe the world is out to get me or something but the one thing that I know for sure is that my patience are growing thin…. 100 yr old parchment paper thin.

Wondering what could possibly make this month so terrible?

Well, we started out the month with my husband, son, and oldest daughter getting strep. And here’s the kicker… I only took Andrew into the doctor because his dad went in first and came home with strep and I thought that I’d better make sure that Andrew was alright… I mean he did have a pretty snotty nose after all.

cute face

How could this cute face cause so much stress?

So who would have thought that a snotty nose was a sign of strep? Not this mom! Nope… I figured that it was just his allergies. Good thing I took him in.

Less than a week into the meds for strep Andrew decided that it would be fun to get a 24 hour stomach flu bug thing and then pass it on to me. I seriously thought that I was going to die… the flu symptoms hit hard and fast.

my helper

She's been pretty helpful...

By time that cleared up and we seemed healthy Andrew spiked a fever for a couple days and today I learned that he has strep again. Or still. Whatever…. he’s sick and whiney. And to top it off he also has some odd rash that we thought was poison ivy but I have no idea how he could have gotten it so now we’re wondering if maybe it’s similar to the rash my husband had when he had strep….

OH! And here’s the best part of the month! There were little baby squirrels living in the passenger seat of my truck! Yes, you did read that correctly. Squirrels. Living in my truck.

I have no freakin’ clue how a squirrel got into my truck and left three babies stuffed up in the seat. I am totally baffled and I would have never known if it weren’t for that one of them was sitting on the floor of my truck last week at my daughter’s softball game. Another one showed up yesterday when I got out of work and finally I had the kids do some searching and see how many more there were. Thankfully they only found one more!

Yea… so top that! Squirrels living in my truck.

Did I mention that Andrew refuses to take any kind of medicine and if I do manage to get it in his mouth he makes himself puke it out?

Yup… good times.

So I snap once in a while because the stress of it all is getting to me and I don’t know how I’ll make it through to the end of the month. Of course then I feel terrible for it because it’s not the kids fault that this month sucks. I need to find patience soon… and things need to get better.


Thankfully we've been able to make all but one of her softball games.

Have you ever had a month as bad as this one?

I’m linking up with Shell from Things I Can’t Say for PYHO and Angie & Dumb Mom for Wordful Wednesday.

Wordful Wednesday ~ Today

Today is the first day that you start daycare… you’re a big boy now and will have so much fun.

Today you will make new friends with all the other 2 year olds in your classroom and come to love your teachers.

Easter Scavenger Hunt

Today you will sit at the table like a big boy and eat lunch with all of your new friends and teachers.

Today I will worry that you will be scared and unsure of your new surroundings even though we’ve visited the classroom a couple of times.

blowing bubbles

Today I will worry that you’ll cry when daddy leaves and you’ll be all alone with new people.

Today I will also worry that I am failing you because I am not home with you like I was with your sisters.

Today a new page in our lives begins.

Playing in the sand

I know that this is the right thing to do for you and that you are going to learn and grow so much from being in a structured daycare and that you will enjoy it in time.

I’ve seen the things that the other children can say and do and was surprised. I couldn’t believe that they could recognize the names of their friends on flash cards…. I couldn’t believe that some of your new friends could talk in complete sentences that I could fully understand. I know that you will be sitting in that circle with them and doing the exact same things as them in no time.

playing with the buzz quad

Pretty soon you’ll be rattling things off in complete sentences and telling us about your day and how much fun you had.

This first day is going to drag for me as I watch the clock tick… waiting for that magical hour when I can leave work and finally come and get you and gathe you in my arms. All day I will wonder if you’re okay but I won’t visit yet because you need to get adjusted, but I will call to check on you. I need to for my own sake really… I need to know that you’re alright and now having a meltdown.

As the days turn into weeks I know that things will get easier for the both of us. All you need to remember is that we love you so much and that you will learn a lot and have fun.


Random Thoughts for Wednesday

Today’s post is going to full of random thoughts…. why? I guess because I have a lot on my mind and some things I can share and others I can’t. So we’ll just go with what I can share for now.

I was super lucky and was able to get into Melissa’s (@MelACulbertson) incredible class, Content Brew . It’s only been two days but I’ve already learned a great deal from the class, which by the way is a go at your own pace so I don’t have to worry about not being able to keep up! But this is what’s got me…. my content sucks. I decided a while back to post on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday leaving Tuesday and Thursday open for reviews/giveaways if necessary and then the weekends are always off. After filling out the content calendar I realized that what I have is barely my own… Monday is recipes, Wednesday is usually a Wordful Wednesday link up or Pour Your Heart Out, and then Friday I usually save for the fiction prompts over at Write on Edge. There is nothing that is full of depth, emotion, or something that has readers coming back for more.

I mean it’s not like I don’t have anything to write about…. I have 4 kids ranging in age from toddler to teen! Geesh… if that isn’t blog fodder I don’t know what is!

I think that this is what it comes down to. Time. The amount of time that I have to actually sit down and write a couple of posts is pretty limited. Okay, it’s non existent. I manage to do a post the night before it goes live and that’s it and any planning further ahead doesn’t happen much.

The random thoughts continue….

This past week summer has come early here in Michigan with temps in the mid 80’s. Yes, you read that right….80’s so we’ve pretty much skipped spring this year. Temperatures that are 40 degrees above normal! The good part about this is that I’ve been able to put to use some of the cool tips and tricks I’ve learned in the SITS  Pinterest Challenge with Courtney from  Click it Up a Notch and because of it my pictures have been a lot better!


If you’re looking to create great pictures for yourself, your blog, Pinterest, or whatever I’d  highly recommend checking out the series!


Random proud mom moments….

We’ve also had some proud mom moments this past week. My middle daughter, Natalie, has had district band festival and DI (Destination Imagination) recently and did incredibly well at both! At DI her team had to come up with a skit complete with a set, music, costumes, and everything in between on their own… no adult help at all. Her group had a lot of fun with their challenge and with the secret challenge… each group is presented with a challenge where they have like 5 minutes to come up with a solution for it and spectators are not allowed. In their age group they came in 5th out of 14 groups. Pretty good if you ask me!


For district band festival the entire 7th grade band performed for judges and then took part in a sight reading. At the end of the day they received a score of straight 1’s which is the highest score that you can get. Our school district has a long history of music excellence and have never gotten anything less than a perfect score.


More randomness…..

I’m hoping that the Content Brew class really helps me out because I need it! I want better content… something that will grab people’s attention… something that will want them to come back for more…

I hope that soon I’ll be able to share some of the things that I can’t talk about right now…. because sometimes getting another person’s perspective and thoughts on something is great.

Alright, enough of the randomness for today.


I see the boy

He’s growing up so quickly that I don’t know how the time has passed by me so quickly again (yes again… time flew by with the girls too). Where did my cuddly little baby go that was here yesterday and where did this little boy come from today?

eating his toes

I know that he’s growing up, learning new things, and changing every day but it wasn’t until the evening we were at the school for young readers group that it truly dawned on me. I sat there and watched him play with the other children, even the ones who were much older than him. He seemed to fit right in with the kids as they all ran around and played together…. even when they started rough housing. I’ll be honest… at first I was scared that he would get hurt but it became clear that he was all boy and that there was nothing to be worried about.


It was then that I fully realized that I’m a mom of a boy and that I don’t know what to do! I’ve spent the last 16 years as a mom to girls. There is such a huge difference in the way that boys and girls play… the things they do…. the things they like to play with. And here’s a confession… I don’t like playing outside and getting dirty. Not at all and it’s already evident that he loves playing outside and getting dirty doesn’t seem to bother him one bit. It looks like I’ll be stepping outside of my comfort zone this summer and learning to be the mom of a little boy.

outside fun

It’s left me wondering what the future will bring and will I be able to live up to being the mom of a little boy. What I do know is that there is no need to worry about him having all sisters & no boys to play with because being a boy is totally ingrained no matter what we seem to do.

little man

I see the boy that he is becoming so quickly. So happy, carefree, and willing to jump off of anything he can climb on to. I see a wonderful little boy who simply adores his sister, his grandparents, and most importantly….. tractors.

In a mood

I don’t know what it is lately but I’m in a mood and I can’t seem to shake it.

Maybe it’s the weather here in Michigan. It’s cold (bitter cold this week), windy, gray, and almost always overcast… dismal is a good way to explain it. Where I’m at we don’t even have snow to make it somewhat tolerable and the sun sets so early that it’s like it’s night all the time (I’d hate Alaska… a lot).

Maybe it’s the kids. When you have four kids ages 16, 12, 9, and 2 (well 2 at the end of the month) and everything is non-stop go…go…go… Or NO! Whine…. cry…. scream…. complain…. and my favorite yet…. mouth off.

Maybe it’s the fact that I feel like I don’t measure up to my kids standards sometime.

Maybe it’s my husband’s business. He owns his own business and it’s doing really well but it takes so much of his time that there are times I feel like I’m a single parent. He’s always working…. doesn’t matter of it’s a weekend or not. If a customer needs something he deals with it.

Maybe it’s my job. I realized today that I haven’t had a headache in over 2 weeks…. know what that means? While I was on vacation there wasn’t the stress of work hanging on me. It’s work that is causing my headaches.

Like I said… I don’t know what it is. But it had my stomach in knots last night and in tears for almost two days. All I know is I want things to be normal… is that to much to ask for?

Here’s the absolute worst thing of all. Blissdom is coming up in February and I may not be able to go now that I’ve figured out the total cost and it kills me…. I want to go for so many reasons. I want to meet up with all the wonderful people I’ve met online, I want to learn & grow so I can further my goals, and most of all I want to meet my best bloggy friend ever, Jill.

What do you think? How do I get out of this slump? How do I change the mood I’m in?

*** Don’t forget to enter the Red Gold Tomatoes Giveaway! ***

I’m not ready

Recently my dad was in the hospital for an aneurysm behind his knee. Nothing all that difficult to take care of and from what we were told pretty low risk. He even was able to go home early because he was doing so well.

Almost a month after his surgery he started to have pain in his leg and was having a hard time walking. Being the strong, stubborn man that he is he let it go until he couldn’t take it anymore. My mom took him to the hospital where they found out that he had a blood clot and possible infection in his leg. Now the simple procedure turned into something much more serious. Possibly even life threatening.

Worry, fear, and concern all started to seep into every inch of my being. I wasn’t ready for this.

My dad is very important to me and he may not know it either. I look up to him and don’t know what I would ever do without him. When I’m with him I can be a kid again… I can relax and know that he’ll be there to help me, protect me, and love me unconditionally.

Call after call from my mom brought more fear and anxiety to me and it didn’t help that she was beyond stressed out and wasn’t asking all the right questions. Her worry and concern were not helping anyone in the situation.

I am not ready to lose my dad. I can not imagine it…. I don’t want to. I want to live in complete denial that he will ever get old, get sick, or even die. I don’t know what I would do without him in my life.

He was moved to another hospital, the one where the original surgery was done and the one where the vascular surgeons worked out of. There he would get the proper care and answers that we all wanted. A decision came that they were going to do surgery again to make sure what they thought may or may  not have been infection wasn’t causing trouble with the vein transplant.

In less than an hour we had our answer… it was a small infection and they cleaned it all up. But more waiting to hear back from the infection disease doctor about whether he would need to have a shot daily for infection.

Doctors are busy, I understand that. What I don’t like is waiting. Waiting when it’s my family that is worrying over what may or may not be. Worrying that there may be something wrong and that it could get worse while we sit there. So many times I wanted to scream at them! Move like you care a little more… move like you should for the amount of money you’re making. Something.

Again an answer came and my dad was to have daily shots of an antibiotic to help with the infection. This is something that my mom has to do everyday and it takes almost half an hour to do because it goes into a something that is similar to an IV and it has to be flushed first, then the antibiotic goes in slowly, and then flushed again.

I’m not ready for my dad to get old. I’m not ready for him to be sick.

He’s been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks now and is doing really well. It doesn’t stop my worry though… worry that this is just the beginning.

I’m not ready for this stage of my life.

This kid is a brat ~ A guest post

Today I’m helping out a friend who can’t post this on her blog and I would love for all of you to help!

I’m posting over at Jackie’s place today because I have a gripe about a friend that I can’t post on my own blog, Single Mom on a Budget, and I need advice!

I have a friend that I’ve known for about 14 years. She and her husband have a son that is seven, so he is a year younger than my youngest, Jonesie.

My gripe: THIS KID IS A BRAT, the stick-out-your-tongue at strangers type of brat and his mom doesn’t do anything.

This issue is really affecting our friendship because I don’t know how to handle it anymore. Frankly, I don’t want too.

I used to babysit the kid when she and her husband would go out to dinner or a movie or something, but I won’t watch him at my house anymore because the little shit is hugely destructive. And I’m sorry, but I don’t allow that in my house. I have three boys so it’s not like things in my house don’t get destroyed, but I don’t let them slam Hot Wheels into the feet of my cherry wood couches. And he doesn’t listen he will look at me and do it over and over.

He also steals Jonesie’s toys. And here’s the thing that gets me… when he leaves I go through his bag and when I find Hot Wheels (which is ALWAYS what he takes) his mom just says “it’s not like you don’t have 100.” This attitude that she has probably irritates me the most. So what if we have 100 Hot Wheels, just because you want 5 of them doesn’t mean you can just take them.

She and I have always had a tradition of making and decorating Christmas cookies at my house. Well, after last year I am not doing it anymore. He tosses flour all over the place like it’s funny. And I’m not talking about “oops, I made a mess”. He stuck his gum under my table when he wanted to eat a cookie. He wiped blue frosting under my table as though he just needed a place to clean his hand. At the end of the night he took his water bottle and dumped water on my floor. I watched him pick up the water bottle and turn it upside down. If that wasn’t bad enough when I yelled at him for dumping his water he looked at me and stuck his foot in the water and walked away – on my wood floor. At that point his mom was irritated with me and they left. I was SO relieved!!!!!!!!!!!

She has started asking my older boys to babysit, which is fine by me. Until last week. Joe went over to their house to babysit at 7:00pm. The kid had been playing football on PlayStation since 5:00pm. Ok, we’re talking two hours already. At around 8:15 I texted Joe to see how it was going and he said “Bad, I was playing him on football and he started crying because I was winning.” So Joe stopped playing. I told Joe to just turn off the PS because that was kind of crazy. About 15 minutes later Joe texted me again saying he didn’t know what to do because the kid was now screaming and crying because he was losing in football against the computer itself. (Joe videotaped this little fit and showed it to me later. WOW!)

I texted my friend and asked her to call Joe because he didn’t know what to do. Her response to me… “Boys.”

I have had it. I don’t know what to do, and how not to let this affect our friendship. To me, it feels like he is just acting out for attention. But he gets NO discipline at home and I am a firm believer in discipline and respecting other people’s things and space. I think I could handle him, I just can’t handle her lackadaisical-ness anymore.

Help! How do I handle this without looking like the bad guy and ruining our friendship?

Comments. Are they important?

I was thinking about writing a post for Pour Your Heart Out since last week… Friday to be exact and some how it snuck up on me and I’m a bit behind the game since the linky went live Wednesday morning. If I’m lucky I’ll be like the 100th person to link up.

I may ramble a bit through this so I apologize in advance if I do.

So I have a blog (duh…) and I write and write…. And sometimes I ignore my blog for a couple of days here and there because life has a tendency to step in and take hold of my time.

Often I try to make an effort to write a really good post and other times I get busy and try to get something out quickly that isn’t of the highest quality. But when I write something that I think is pretty good I tend to hope for comments & constructive criticism and nothing happens.

Nothing. Meaning that half the day goes by before there is one comment.

It’s disheartening. It makes me wonder if I did something wrong, if I wrote something that offended people, or if what I wrote wasn’t comment worthy.

And honestly, I don’t know what it is.

There are times that I just let it go and not worry about it because really I need to write for me and not for comments or anyone else. Right?

Then there are other times where it does bother me.

The most important thing I need to remember is that comments aren’t everything, numbers aren’t that important, comments aren’t that important, and I need to remember what is. My writing. The words that I write are what are important.

I like what I do and I like writing. And I’m going to keep on doing it with or without comments. I just need to come to an understanding that not everything is comment worthy even though people read it.