Sadness and Guilt

I have this huge list of topics that I’ve been pondering and wanting to write about and this is not one of them. This came to me this morning as I rushed around at the ungodly hour of 7am with my kids so this is more along the lines of a stream of consciousness type post…. bear with me!

I’m giving myself 7 minutes. Yea, it’s an odd number but 5 didn’t seem long enough and 10 I think is to long.

Okay so the timer is set!

Today is the first day that the husband is gone out of town.. out state really for work. And now I am home with the kids alone. I know.. I know … many of you do it this on a daily basis and wonder why in the hell I’m complaining. Well this is why.

The older kids go to school all day and enjoy endure it and I go to work all day to do the exact same thing. Now that leave the youngest who you all know is just a baby, almost 15 months to be exact. And he goes to the sitters house daily. I hate it.

Now that dad is gone he has to go to the sitters even earlier so he is there almost 10 hours a day. I hate it more now.

What I hate the most…. do you see a trend here? I’m using the word hate a lot, huh? I don’t like that I have to leave him with someone else all day long. I don’t like that when I drop him off he runs to her to be picked up. I don’t like that he doesn’t seem affected by my leaving. I don’t like that when I pick him up sometimes he still goes to her.

I love my sitter. She’s great with my kids and super helpful and even more flexible.

I just wish that it was me with him all day. I wish that it was me who could teach him all the things that I was able to teach his sisters. I wish it were me that he ran to.

So I feel mom guilt that I’m not there for him and it makes me sad that I can’t be there.

What happens when he’s older? Who is going to potty train him, teach him his letters, numbers, and how to write, and all that fun preschool stuff?

Am I missing out on things? I think I am.

And because of this I am sad. I felt terrible this morning when I had to drop him off and I look forward to the time I leave work and can see him again.

Whew… done. The time went off!